perfection*: be a better SAHD by failing

perfection: just a word in the dictionary

In this post, I’ll be discussing perfection. Many strive for it but in reality, no one attains it (even I’m not perfect but don’t tell my wife). It’s counterproductive, detrimental to the psyche, and for the most part, not necessary to get stuff done. It’s slowed me down from getting the first post out and I’m sure it’s slowed you from getting stuff done as well. So let’s get over it and get shit done.

I’m guilty of wanting to be perfect and putting off tasks researching them into oblivion. I want to say it’s because I don’t want to disappoint anyone but I’m reality it’s probably fear. Fear of disappointing those I love, fear of embarrassment (ego), fear of failure. 

nobody’s gonna know (you only think they’re gonna know)

Now let’s break that down into manageable bites. Those who love me want to see me succeed, grow, and thrive. Getting stuck in the perfection rut has stalled, and even reversed, all of those things at one time or another. I’d spend countless hours researching how to do something from beginner videos, tips and tricks, and countless articles that brought me down other rabbit holes. So much time would be spent prepping, that I’d never get started or start days or weeks after the task should have been started and finished. I’d use the excuse of wanting to do superior work or not messing up. And while these views are admirable (somewhat) the world still turns, things still need to get done, and people still count on me. It often creates a cascading effect on other things, other tasks, etc. 

Tasks, chores, and everyday things start to pile up. Day-to-day living becomes harder. So I researched how to be more efficient, in addition to the rest of my research. You can see the pattern and I, after the fact, can see it too. But when I’m in it, I’m completely oblivious, I have horse blinders on. Not great for being a stay-at-home dad, not great for keeping the house in order, not great for husbanding. While I don’t believe in multitasking (that’s a different story), I have to keep up with many tasks for the kids, the household, and myself. Take a look at my first post to get a taste of what went on in my head when my wife returned to work https://whosyoursahdaddy.com/the-return-to-work-scaries/.

What if I mess up? Now I have to explain my failure to those who counted on me. I feel terrible when that happens like I let them down. Now I have to redo whatever it was with that lingering thought of failing again. More time. More disappointment. More negativity. More nonsense. I end up building it up to these epic proportions and, for the most part, the tasks never had to be done perfectly, no one would/did notice the imperfections, or they’re happy it’s completed so I can relax, move on to the next task or just take the mental load off. All of which are very positive for my mental well-being. I know I’m not alone in thinking that as dad and husband, I’m the go-to, the person who gets it done and depended on to keep things running smoothly. We can be all of those things, mess up, and still be good men.

practice doesn’t make perfect

When I trained people in the cafes I worked at, I trained them how to pull a perfect shot of espresso, perfectly steam milk, and perfectly (at least for me) pour latte art. I had them train, and train and train to be as close to perfect as they could. And when I thought they were strong enough to be on their own, without supervision, I told them a completely different story.

I told them no one can be completely “on” for a whole shift (We can argue about that later if you think you can). I don’t care what bosses, manly men, or try-hards say. It can’t be done and shouldn’t be strived for. It’s not a badge of honor. It’s dumb and inefficient. As workers (and dads) we’re in it for the long haul so burnout is something that one needs to be cognizant of. Aim for 80-85% 100% of the time, with breaks included. Sometimes this means 100%, sometimes much less. That’s a realistic goal that one can sustain for prolonged periods of time, day in and day out.

Some things require 100%, I’m fully aware. However, if you’re maxed most of the time, something is off. Try some more planning (but not into oblivion), rethinking the situation, or lowering expectations of yourself to a more reasonable level and that will usually make all the difference. Sometimes you won’t get to vacuum on the designated day, sometimes you’ll use Bluey to give you some time to decompress midday, or sometimes you’ll tell your significant other you need some space to zone out when the kids are put to bed. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.

back to life, back to reality

It was easy to say I wasn’t going to be perfect beforehand, that I was going to make mistakes, and everything wasn’t on me (at home). But when the time came it was rather difficult to accept. I want and need to be a good role model for my boys but that doesn’t mean being perfect. In reality, having the boys see me mess up, admit it, and pick myself back up is a great lesson for them to witness and be a part of.

Working on being the man I want to be, perfecting my husbanding skills, and parenting are team games (will be explaining my reasoning about these in future blogs). So when things seem to be all on you (and the vast majority of housekeeping and childcare very well might be) remember that the best athletes, most accomplished physicians, and flamboyant billionaires all needed time outs, needed second opinions, and bought Twitter.

me bye,

ed